You are More Than the Sum of What You Cannot Do
It’s the Monday of another tough week. How do I know it will be another tough week? This is 2020, my friends - if you haven’t caught the pattern yet, you’re in a coma, or you have WAY better meds than I do.
I sat down last night to make a “To Do” list for the upcoming week, and while transferring tasks, I realized how much had not been crossed off the list I’d made 7 days prior, which was a LOT. I felt really demotivated and angry and disappointed in myself. The self-flagellation in my head kicked off, saying things like, “Why can’t you just accomplish stuff in a normal way like a normal person? If you were trying, you could do this. God, you’re a stupid idiot. You’re clearly not even trying. ANYONE ELSE could have accomplished this paltry list and you only got it half done. NO ONE watching would believe you’re even trying at all. You are so broken and annoying right now. WTF is wrong with you?!” And then I cried a little because I felt like a pathetic loser with no worth.
After stepping away from my desk for a few minutes to get some water and something in the super-carby-and-definitely-not-healthy family of foods, I felt a little bit better and tried to remind myself not to be so mean. I can’t think of a single employee I’ve ever had who I would talk to in that way, or a single friend I would hold accountable in such cruel terms. And I had to take a moment and realize that I am my own employee, and by all sane measurements, I should be my own friend. I had to reframe the situation in that way so that I could try to train myself to be nicer to me because, in my head, it’s far easier to be nicer and more forgiving to other people than to myself. Learning to be gentle with yourself, to be forgiving of yourself, is a life-long process, and I will be the first to admit sometimes I regress a bit. (By sometimes, I mean all of 2020)
Why share this moment of suck in a public format? Because, judging by a large amount of email in my inbox in the last few months from friends and readers or video watchers who are also suffering, I know I’m not the only one who has moments like that in the last few months, and I want to tell you what I should have told myself that night in the minute I started tearing myself apart. That way, the next time you start down that super crappy road, you have a better roadmap to turn the moment around.
First, stop it. You are likely a very good person who is giving what they’ve got. What your “best” was last year is NOT your “best” this year - no one’s is. We have been living in a prolonged state of complex trauma for at least 8 months with no real resolution in sight, and the fact that you’re still getting ANYTHING done is a testament to your grit and tenacity. If you crossed one thing off that list or ten things off that list - whatever you’ve given is your best right now, so stop judging 2020 you by 2019 standards.
Second, right now the act of making a “To Do” list is an act of hope, not an act of obligation. Yes, some things on your list definitely have deadlines, and you should prioritize your limited energy and productivity on those items first, but just because you’ve written it down does NOT mean you have to accomplish it or the world will end. The world is gonna either end or spin on, regardless of whether or not you completed an arbitrary list. You cannot control that fact. What you can control is how much of an impact you let an incomplete task have on your mental health.
Third, that word choice of “incomplete” in my last sentence was quite intentional. Incomplete means you’re trying. Incomplete means you have every intention to carry through and haven’t just totally written off the task (which, if you need to write off a task, ZERO JUDGEMENT, because the number of things on a list that I thought were crucial and “must accomplish” has changed dramatically over the last year). The distance between intention and action is thought to be motivation when in reality, it is often ability. It is okay if there are things you cannot do right now. Because that is RIGHT NOW, not forever.
And finally, you’re not the only one who has felt this way. You’re not alone in the guilt and shame that you may feel about your productivity. Believe me, that negative emotion convention is being WELL attended right now. What is important that you do is process those emotions. Confront them. Explore why they are hitting you so hard right now, and recognize the way your own mind can lie to you and amplify a struggle prematurely into a certain failure. Look back at last week’s list - everything that is crossed off is an accomplishment. Everything you were able to wrap up is progress. Each item with the strike-through means you are pushing forward and you haven’t given up. Find your peace in the things that are finished, and find your strength in knowing that you CAN finish tasks, but you need to be gentler with yourself on the timeframe. And always remember, You are so much more than the sum of what you cannot do.
Please remember that I am not a doctor, and this isn’t medical advice. These ideas are simply from my own years of experience in processing trauma, years of experience in therapy/mental health treatments as a patient, as well as research I have done. (For what it’s worth, I consider research more than just googling something and taking the first result, but I repeat, I am NOT A DOCTOR.)
